Who is Not (So) Afraid
A child's laughter hangs in the stillness of a dimly lit, heavily shadowed attic then BOOM...creepy clown doll. It sends a chill down my spine EVERY TIME. In fact, I recently watched a few episodes of Are You Afraid of the Dark?, and I think this opening might be the scariest element of the series. While this clip does elicit an unsettling "pit-in-my-stomach" feeling, I'm curiously intrigued. I want to close my eyes and escape the fear but I can't stop watching. What makes me so afraid of the dark?
That voice...it transports me to an uncertain place where I feel completely vulnerable to...what? Ernest Becker gives me a hint in The Denial of Death: "If we had to offer the briefest explanation of all the evil that men have wreaked upon themselves and upon their world since the beginning of time right up until tomorrow, it would be not in terms of man's animal heredity, his instincts and his evolution: it would be simply in the toll that his pretense of sanity takes, as he tries to deny his true condition" (29-30). Death, as argued in his book, is universally present, and we use various coping mechanisms, such as transference, to forget or distance ourselves from our paralyzing fear.
Becker continues, "[b]ut his insides are full of nightmarish memories of impossible battles, terrifying anxieties of blood, pain, aloneness, darkness; mixed with limitless desires, sensations of unspeakable beauty, majesty, awe, mystery; and fantasies and hallucinations of mixtures between the two, the impossible attempt to compromise between bodies and symbols" (29). I'm not sure about you, but unspeakable beauty, majesty, awe and mystery sound much better than terrifying anxieties, many of which I'm sure would involve a creepy clown doll. How to circumvent that damned doll?
Option 1: I could pretend it's not there. I could shut my eyes when I know it's going to appear. Does that help me understand/confront my fear, though? Brian Swimme and Thomas Berry, authors of The Universe Story, provide insight: "When we reflect upon the omnipresence of destruction and violence throughout the layered universe, and on the mysterious relationship of this destruction to the evocation of a great beauty, we can begin to approach such an understanding. Life includes, in its essence, hardships of many kinds. To refuse these, to refuse to accept what might be called legitimate suffering, is to opt for a reduced existence" (59). Suffering is part of my journey, and since I intend to live it fully, I must not ignore the doll's presence.
Option 2: I could be a hero by defeating the doll. While at home from college, I happened to find the hellish toy clown that embodied the evil nature of CHICO early on. After torturing it in our apartment back at school, my roommates and I sacrificed it to the dumpster (sorry Aunt Lori!), wiping my hands clean of CHICO once and for all. Oh, wait...CHICO was firmly in control by that point, so my attempt to defeat death was pointless. "Men aren't built to be gods, to take in the whole world; they are built like other creatures, to take in the piece of ground in front of their noses" (178). Thanks for the reminder, Becker...
Option 3: Without any other viable option, accepting destruction and death is the only choice toward becoming less afraid (and eventually courageous). What does that mean though? Does that mean I won't completely vanquish CHICO after all; instead, I have to stare at it every day in order to access the full awe and mystery of my existence? That may not sound like much when compared to the payoff, but please imagine confronting the amalgamation of this bunch...
If this is what I need to face, then what awaits me? My spidey sense is tingling, but maybe it's the key to resolving my death fear and overcoming CHICO. You know when you get to the point in a dream that is too scary---you are confronted by something terrifying or startling---and you wake up? We typically seek out the light to feel comfortable and safe because the light protects us from what lurks in the dark. What happens if we open our eyes and all we see is more darkness? How long can we keep our eyes closed or believe we can defeat the darkness until it overtakes us? Instead, what if we accept the darkness and find comfort in the mystery and allure? All questions to consider as the journey continues, but first:
What lurks in the darkness waiting for you?
How do you fend off your deepest fears from enveloping you?
What was your favorite Nickelodeon show? :)
Who you gonna call?
Who (?)