What is Enough is Never Enough?
Before unspinning this web of enough, I want to thank all the brave individuals who are putting their health and well-being on the line to keep the world safe and secure. I wish these words impart enough strength to get you through the months ahead: sending my heart. ~M
They shut the road through the woods
Seventy years ago.
Weather and rain have undone it again,
And now you would never know
There was once a road through the woods
Before they planted the trees.
It is underneath the coppice and heath,
And the thin anemones …
~Rudyard Kipling, ‘The Way through the Woods’
I began this post at the end of February. With goals for the year set and in progress, trips to Jamaica and Belize in the books, and even the introduction for this post written, it felt like 2020 was on the right path. It took long enough! Life was trending upwards, just like in the graphs I learned how to produce in elementary school. In order to show positive growth over time, I must follow along the linear path toward that upper echelon where better things awaited: success, happiness, etc. I just needed enough time to stabilize.
We are now at the beginning of April, and as shelter-in-place and social distancing policies make a mess of future planning, my intent to write has dwindled. As I’ve come to learn through the many entries that inhabit this site, fear is a major destabilizer to creativity; it builds towering blockades that cause any upward trajectory to zigzag out of control. So what are you afraid of now? Pulling up the news, it’s obvious: COVID-19. Everything is trending downward aside from the infection and death rates that are skyrocketing. Each day, I can’t help but type “coronavirus” to see what pops up. Frustration, heartbreak, and uncertainty stack with each word, sending any motivation into the dumps. I know this isn’t healthy for me as morning, noon, and night I’m checking in for the latest news, but I can’t get enough. “Coronavirus - Google Search” has even become a Frequently Visited site, making it more convenient to fall down the rabbit hole of global chaos than to creatively explore the rapid shift in emotions that is triggering a fearful response.
Use your words…
First, it was a cough. Then, a flushing of the bowels. Mucuslides (landslides of mucus) came next, mostly at night, which delivered drenched coughs throughout the day. Was I COVID-19-positive? Based on what the news said, no, but I’m not sure I’ll ever know. That’s not what scares me, though. The cough initially joined me on my drive up to Michigan in early March, and the accompanying symptoms followed on my journey across the state. My intent was to catch up with loved ones, to live the mission and vision I arrived at in Dream State. Instead, it became a nightmare. By my last stop in Ann Arbor, COVID-19 had taken control of society; it changed the way we were interacting and mobilizing. It made us bow to its exponential whims. Each new infection I read about rooted my fear deeper: was I infecting people this entire time? My mind wouldn’t stop racing from person to person I was in contact with, envisioning the most frequently used items in our shared spaces during my visit then wondering if I washed my hands thoroughly enough to keep them safe.
My heart went on lock down after I learned that dear friends in Illinois were losing their battle with the virus. Previously, speculation was the name of the mind game I busied myself with day and night. Now, COVID-19 has a recognizable face, and it feels like nothing will be the same again. So what is the point of all this, why bother writing? (shrug) Good question. The world feels like the Price is Right’s Cliffhangers game right now; we are teetering toward the edge, about to plummet off the cliff as our howls are swept into a monstrous abyss. That horrid nothingness only a touch away.
Enough is enough!
“Sure, we’d like to believe that we are big thinkers. But in truth, we think small…Thinking big means to seek it all—permanent happiness, spiritual greatness, eternal joy, our true soul mate, immortality, and peace on earth forevermore—and to let go of every thing else that prevents us from reaching that promised land” (149). Sure, Yehuda Berg. You were so smug when you wrote that in The 72 Names of God, but were you dealing with a global pandemic? He makes it seem like we’ve done nothing to get nowhere. As if he is further ahead on the line graph of life, disappearing into that upper echelon with ease and gaining all I could want and more. Immortality? Permanent happiness? Of course, “enough” is never enough for this guy; what hardship has he undergone?! My mind’s eye focuses sharply on the coronavirus panic and all the words that separate me from feeling like there’s no end in sight. Without a vaccine, we are social distanced ducks. It’s maddening, and it makes Berg’s “promised land” seem far-fetched. Now, I’m forced to fight harder just to stay in place. I’ll never be enough; it’s stacked against me!
This looks too familiar…a spin through the About page serves as a reminder: I’ve battled with feeling like I’m not enough before. My obsession to live an idealized lifestyle, to follow the heteronormative linear model (start dating, begin career, get married, buy home, have kids, get promoted, have grandkids, retire), it nearly killed me. But that is the only way to die happy, right? To check off the boxes on that list? Otherwise, life has no meaning; at least, from some peoples’ perspectives. This promised land is your land, but is it my land? While my life and outlook shifted dramatically since then, I’m brought back to a line of faulty reasoning that haunted me through my identity formation: AIDS is the promised land for gay men. With the inevitability of COVID-19, I’ve been forced to stare directly at my complicated relationship with HIV.
I remember reading about it first in medical books and online when I was considering having sex, though I didn’t fully grasp what human immunodeficiency virus meant. After each point of contact, I was convinced I contracted it. Whenever I got tested, my exploits haunted me as I prepared for confirmation that I was positive. That news never did come even though I believed it to be an inevitable part of my identity. I could launch into a whole comparison of HIV and COVID-19, but I already found 2 well-written articles on the topic: “Trump is mishandling coronavirus the way Reagan botched the AIDS epidemic” by Zack Beauchamp and “Opinion: The Coronavirus And HIV: Different Pandemics With The Same Lessons” by Scott Wiener. Each writer weaves together data, calls to action, community empowerment, and personal stories to establish a connection between the pandemics and build hope toward an upper echelon we all can share. One that doesn’t stigmatize marginalized populations to refute their access and longevity. One that’s not such a ferocious battle for enough of the resources we need to achieve eternal happiness, peace, and joy.
Naturally, I couldn’t help viewing the comments. “Nicole” added her thoughts, which included, “This article just pissed me off. Thousands of people dying worldwide and not because they engaged in knowingly dangerous behavior. They're still spending millions on HIV just so gay men can have unprotected sex. God forbid we spend that money on Alzheimer's or diabetes.” Ugh, Nicole! Do you even know what you’re saying?! It’s the implications of contact, the intent of marginalization. Did you not hear about the Texas Lieutenant Governor who said that old people should die to save the economy? Or about the growing body of party-goers and civil liberty warriors who are fighting distancing policies?! Have you considered the stigmas attached to HIV? To being gay? Enough!!!
This sputtering is just a projection of my anger. Masculinity alert! Once again, there is an overwhelming need to prove who is good enough, and it’s yanking me all over while stuck in place. It’s especially frustrating because, in several virus-related articles, I’ve seen a call for unity and collaboration from religious, political, and social leaders. “We are in this together” and so forth, but even if the world dramatically changes, will marginalized groups continue being oppressed based on their perceived differences? If the upper echelon is made accessible to everyone, then the climb to the top will become even more rigid and ruthless. Perhaps it’s the linear model and its likeness to the male symbol. Eek…a penis! What other options do we have? Lisa Evans offers up a model based on gender differences in “Why Women’s Path To Success Often Looks Different”: “Whereas on the linear path, success is defined by a set of goals that get achieved one after the other as stepping-stones to a larger goal; the cyclical path is focused on small steps that are defined more by values than a lofty goal…This drive to get ahead…comes from a sense of insufficiency–feeling like we’re not enough, that we haven’t achieved enough.” This is helpful, and it weaves together the intent behind the shaping of my soul, yet, there is still something missing. Where are we headed? Unfortunately, Evans doesn’t close the loop on her theory; rather, she repeatedly circles back to the differences between men, women, and these models, suggesting that “Women…get fulfillment from relationships, family, the community, and the difference we make in the world” as if men can not/will not.
Ugh, where do I fit?! Circling back to Power of Prosperity, the words illustrate my struggle to achieve success and happiness while living the hard-wired linear life with a cyclical shaped soul. It’s like trying to fit a…oh wait. The 1 and 0 naturally fit together. Maybe it’s because I’m gay; that’s why my soul will never be enough for the promised land. No! I’m not going down this path again, Nicole. A scan through DNA of the Soul spins the words in a better direction: we share a karmic code that helps everyone reach the upper echelon of success and happiness through expressions of soul and acts of integrity. But how do you shape, grow and sustain that model so everyone can reach the upper echelon?
Berg, with his “big thinking” ways, isn’t concerned about unpacking the weighted words he throws down so easily: permanent happiness, spiritual greatness, our true soul mate…Evidence shows (Happiness, Soul Mate) that these lofty goals require significant time and energy to achieve; a model all their own to reach the apex. But Berg doesn’t let that stand in his way; he knows what’s up: “Two realities exist: darkness or Light. We can be in one or the other. But we tend to loiter in the gray areas…The goal is to banish all darkness and bask in absolute Light” (149). It doesn’t get easier than that, right? He even capitalized the “L” for us. I know…I’m being snarky—probably because I’m a small thinker—but I don’t believe Berg gave enough guidance to determine how much enough is enough. Won’t we die enough-ing before we’re enough? Based on the current promised land models—linear and cyclical—we are either fighting upward till we plunge or spinning in circles with no end in sight. Neither equal happiness+success+…you get the picture. And we’ve seen where pyramids lead us. What else is there? Better settle in; I have enough time now to try my hands at a response.
ROOTING AROUND
As expected, I’m doing the opposite of what Berg says to get off the ground; I’m going below and into the darkness. It’s been a while since I sat in silence and cleared my mind in the midst of all the COVID chaos. When I finally did, my heart was pulled in several directions, and I wasn’t sure how to keep up without being able to see ahead. It made concentration a challenge, especially when my phone buzzed nearby with the latest tragedy. That’s enough…Relax. Breathe deep. Focus. And an image that’s been recurring throughout this Web Unspun journey popped up: a tree. Huh? Through meditation, drawing, writing, dream work, and other reflection, the tree has been a central figure in my understanding of success and happiness. No, not like the trees from the Wizard of Oz. Think about it…they stand firm and tall, blossom beautifully, grow in all directions, and express their core from the inside out. Though it’s a callback to the linear model’s phallic shape, the rings growing in the trunk resemble the cyclical model, making it an accessible enough model for everyone, gendered or not. It reads like you’ve been smoking tree to arrive at this conclusion…Hold on, let me explain!
Berg’s idyllic state—the promised land—is a focal point that basks in absolute Light by banishing all darkness. After the deep dive into integrity and soul last entry, I learned the importance of balancing light and dark aspects of the karmic code to reach greater heights of consciousness. It’s not about severing! Already, we’ve come to a crossroad thanks to Berg’s terrible directions; however, when utilizing the tree model, the impasse takes new shape. Unlike previous promised land models, the tree extends its roots into the unknown and seeks out the dark to gain enough vital resources and support. It is anchored for growth into the upper echelon of the light by a network of connections below. This is a great place to start an updated model because it establishes how much of a conscious reach inward, below the surface, is enough to initiate upward movement (based on the individual); moreover, it considers the implications of contact and sharing between neighbors despite differences (based on the community). I dig it. However, it’s not clear what we are rooting around in the dark to find…
When piecing together the karmic code, I discovered the path to soulful integrity by looking closely at the habits, tendencies, influences and desires that shape my life. Not enough, echoes big-thinking Berg. Go promised or stay in place. Fine….but what’s a good anchor for growth? A twist through my web, and hide and “seek it all” is done: love, compassion, hope, and faith. Yes, these expressions of soul, when nurtured and shared enough, establish a foundation for acts of integrity. But these are just words, what does it mean for me? Based on our needs, expectations, and understanding of a promised land, our soulful roots create an advanced structure to lean on when we don’t feel like we are enough. We have an opportunity—the freedom—to cultivate these roots by reflecting on the love, compassion, hope, and faith (or lack of) we reveal through our actions; this isn’t to bolster or shame, rather it helps us understand our rooted patterns, overcome our fear of the dark, and reach for peaks of happiness, success, etc. This is just a divot, though; there is still more to leaf through.
Branching out
If you’ve seen a tree, you know where this model is moving: the crown. This is how Berg’s big-thinking head got stuck in the promised clouds forevermore. Enough snark! It would be wondrous to bask in the glorious Light for eternity; to finally satisfy this insatiable hunger for happiness+success+…. But let’s be realistic, as we grow, we tend to break, burn out, fail, and fall. The linear model leaves no room for error. I don’t remember the mountain climber getting a second chance at Cliffhangers. Once we plummet, there is no returning to where we left off; we’re pretty much done. The cyclical model returns to the point of struggle but doesn’t necessarily grow through the experience; instead, it lives out the same struggle over (and over…). Again, none of this sounds like the path to eternal joy. Even the person at the top of the pyramid wouldn’t be satisfied enough…where is their true soul mate? The updated promised land model needs to be flexible through the twists and turns of life. To splinter and snap on occasion without falling to pieces. To blossom in its own light without detracting from others.
(Drum roll) Enter: the tree. Enough never is enough when peering into the sky, branching out to bask in the sun. Much like roots, tree buds develop into a complex web; however buds form into leaves, flowers, and shoots that protect the tree from adverse conditions and secure its survival by taking in enough light. When applied to the tree model, the promised land never felt so promised. Our growth is self-directed. The actions we take shape the wholeness of our experience; this is best communicated through imaginative bursts that express our core. Even if we break or wilt, latent buds within initiate new growth, which means we have the opportunity to learn from mistakes and use that information to garner more happiness+success+... Therefore, our lives are an ongoing expression of creative richness. It’s easy enough to get swept away in Berg’s idealized vision when it’s modeled this way. Trees canopies are bountiful and that’s perceived as fulfilling.
Much like when I was rooting around, there must be some reason for branching or else burn out seems inevitable. And that stifles growth in any model of success and happiness. Through jobs, relationships, and even self-care practices, I slammed on the reset button several times because I was pushing too hard, too fast and unable to keep up with the expectation of an upper echelon. After subscribing to the linear model for so long, I intended to get ahead. It’s MY promised land. So many dreams were within sight; however, they remained out of reach, causing more strain, pain, and misery. It was the reshaping of my soul that brought life new meaning: authenticity, vulnerability, balance, and selflessness. I’ve had just about enough of all these words…Much like the roots of love, compassion, hope, and faith, these expressions transformed my being by empowering me to branch out. From this, I learned that we blossom through acts of integrity; the shape, stature, and size of our lives is determined by the authentic, vulnerable, balanced, and selfless practices we adopt. At times, this elevation makes us feel like we’re the ruler of our promised land, sitting atop the world and basking in the Light with our crown; however, it’s when we recognize the miraculous growth around us and commit to supporting it, that’s how we become a vast ecosystem, breathing enough life into one another to help everyone reach their forevermore.
Standing still
That was a bit much, yeah? I have such a hard time figuring out when enough is enough, especially if enough is never enough; overall, it feels like I can never grow enough to actually be enough. And that’s enough to drive me crazy. This is why I get so snarky with Berg! Throughout this series, he’s prompted me to go down these rabbit holes of meaning to grow toward feeling like “enough” when I’m perfectly still. When I’m 100% present. But it never comes easy as the words pile up in my head and rattle me down to the core. You do realize it’s you, not Berg, who is to blame…Thanks for the reminder. As is typical for this journey, I’m desperate to grow by moving in all directions at once just to feel like I’m enough. It always catches up to me, though. Now, in the confines of stay in place, I’m so eager to move about and grow these rooted and branching expressions that I nearly forgot the connective force that holds the entire model together: the trunk. You mean there’s more words? I like to think of it as just enough :)
Little did I know, tree trunks are bustling with activity. The layered work of the outer bark, inner bark, cambium cell layer, and sapwood serves to nurture the roots and strengthen the branches. When applied to the tree model, this process of self-regulation while remaining still is crucial to our progress; we can better withstand the rapid shifts in the world that threaten to topple us over when we understand where we stand. This is how we “let go of every thing else that prevents us from reaching that promised land.” Finally, my words match up with Berg’s to arrive at a conclusion. However, when scanning through the Arbor Day Foundation’s “Anatomy of a Tree” to learn about the inner workings of the trunk, I was struck by: “Heartwood is the central, supporting pillar of the tree. Although dead, it will not decay or lose strength while the outer layers are intact…it is in many ways as strong as steel.” Sh*t. Sure, the heart is holding everything together, but if it’s dead, then what’s the point? I sink back into heartless mode and feel the nagging weight of an existence where enough is never ever enough. My outer bark grows thicker as my roots hover on the surface; my buds hang back and hide behind brittle branches.
Hold on…I’ve been so focused on seeing my soul as a web that I didn’t notice how much it resembles tree rings. They’re just circles, Matt. Yes, I realize, but it’s their difference in positioning. Huh? Throughout this journey, I’ve been on a web clinging to the branches. I’ve tried to be a present enough observer to understand how MATTHEW grows and withers through different conditions from the outside, but this resulted in me remaining detached, unsure of how I fit into any model for the promised land (especially after my lesson with I’s and my’s in the last entry). Never before did it feel like my existence would be enough until I sat still and recognized the strength of the heart, even in a dormant state. Through this practice, I grew an understanding of the promised land and learned how to reach it.
Now, I can stand tall because within the tree’s trunk, the karmic code for soulful integrity interweaves with the tree rings to complete the updated promised land model. It’s almost over! Between the rings, I see there are ways for each of us to grow toward the happiness+success+… we hunger for, even when we stay in place. But it’s up to us to think big about the things that matter most, and we can achieve that by rooting around, branching out, or standing still, even when it makes us want to Berg. One last snark! Everyone is capable of growth through unique expressions of soul and acts of integrity. When we accept that we are enough of a resolute being, we will reach the Light and dark, wherever the universe takes us, and land with ease. That’s a promise.