What is Freedom? Part 1

It’s taken way too long but glad to be back with this first installment, which recalls a journal entry from 9-24-15:

The Coming Out at Work

I have never been a proud gay. Even while writing that, I contemplate putting quotes around the word because it still bothers me. It is my own struggle that I am beginning to understand more and more as I come out to those close to me. The support has been amazing, don’t get me wrong. In fact, I have become more comfortable sharing information about my personal life thanks to the overwhelming love I have felt from my family and friends but even through the love comes a set of hurdles.

Will I relate to people the same? Will I be perceived differently? Am I a different person?

Most of these questions arose from my first experience coming out, before I went back in, but I will cover that in a different entry. My main reason for starting this journal is to chronicle my progression through this proces - taking in people’s reactions, sharing things that have been said to me, and discussing my own questions - hopefully to arrive at some big epiphany. Maybe gays and straights can co-exist!

Anyways, to my point…today I had lunch with Megan, our first real conversation since coming out to her. I was slightly nervous as I would be laying all my cards on the table - something I have avoided for a long time. The conversation went well - nothing that threw me off from her questions: how did you meet, where is he from, what does he do? But then I think she was uncomfortable because she began sharing things like how her husband has known since he met me (I HATE being told that, as if sexuality is a fun guessing game of witch hunt).

But the thing that got me thinking most was what she shared about our HR director. After finding out about me through the grape vine, she suggested that Megan tell the warehouse guys, which Megan proceeded to do. Immediately, I felt bad, but why? Had I done something wrong? No. Should I feel guilty about opening up? No. It was mishandled and Megan shouldn’t have shared it with me, though I am glad she did because it woke up a passion inside me to keep a journal.

Back to the situation, would she meet with each staff member and share that someone is straight so they best be careful dealing with them? Was it their business? No! If I wanted to share with them, I would.

And I think the saddest/worst part was that is was considered the best course of action. Yes, a breach of trust (in some regards) was the right thing to do.

And I suppose I will run into this a lot on my journey - people trying to do the “right” thing in the wake of my news but with very misguided efforts. My hope is to collect this information, synthesize/analyze, and eventually be able to share my findings with others in a safe (sic) space. I want to add to the discourse but in a productive way that can look at multiple angles and consider why we treat “gay” so differently and I think I need to become more comfortable myself first if I want to lead conversation. Until the next thought.

~Matt