What is Fearless?
"Taking the Plunge" reads one of the many affirmations on the "Web Unspun" bulletin board in my bedroom. I clipped the words out of a travel magazine, but the message, which is accompanied on the board by the photo in the header, reminds me of my literal plunge(s) into the water on my trip. Though I took swimming and diving lessons as a child, my experience with natural bodies of water has been limited, and I've been prone to pass up opportunities to "dive right in" due to some underlying doubt. What if I can't reach the shore? What if something is lurking below the surface? During my stay in the Ozark-St. Francis National Forests, I felt compelled to overcome this fear through a series of plunges. It began with skinny dipping in a calm, natural pool while on a hike during the day. Easy, right? This lead to a late night venture into the water as I gazed up at the moon and stars, letting my body fall backwards into a shadowy (but shallow) abyss. Aside from the isolation in the dark, it was invigorating! I was able to pack up my camping gear and drive away from the area feeling rather proud; in both instances, I put aside that nagging voice, reminding me of all the things that could go wrong, and instead focused on where my heart lead me.
Along my route, I spied a stunning waterfall that was begging to be photographed. I jumped out of my car and bounded down the road trying to find the best angle to capture this exquisite beauty when that feeling in my heart pressed me forward. Why don't you jump in? It was a steamy day in Arkansas, and the water did look inviting...Before I cannonballed, my mind responded with a series of pessimistic questions. Is it safe? Are there rocks I can't see below the surface? Snakes? The dreaded candiru/vampire fish? As it wandered through the terrifying possibilities (which were getting more ridiculous with each passing thought), I also remembered how empowering it felt to face my fears. My mind was eager to get my body back in the car and drive away, but my heart won out: I would take the plunge. I did my best to clear my head as I surveyed the area, stripped down, and walked to the edge. This is it! I decided to fall backwards and let the water "catch" me much like the trust-building exercises you see at corporate retreats. I had done something similar the previous night; however, I was already standing in the water when I did it. My heart urged me on, so I turned around, recited my belief statements out loud, and as I was saying "I believe I am...Who," my body tipped back over the rocky ledge and pancaked into the water with a big splash.
To this day, I'm surprised by my willingness and follow-through to overcome my fear in such a way. In hindsight, I should have positioned myself a little better so the hard slap of the water didn't sting my back like it did, but the adrenaline and energy I felt as I surfaced neutralized any negative thoughts. Inspiration and confidence coursed through my veins, and I found myself pushing my body more and more as I quieted my mind and discovered my center throughout my trip. But is that what it means to be fearless: to take more physical risks that get the heart pumping? There were times that I felt afraid of where my heart would lead me next, which made my question my faith in whatever was guiding me along. Is fearless synonymous with reckless? A quick search on Thesaurus.com would suggest so, but how does that shape my spiritual well-being? Was my entire trip Southwest reckless, then, since I left my job, home, and support network without a clear sense of where I was headed or what I was trying to accomplish?
This past week, I've been focused on my Name Game revelation---Fearless---while trying to understand what it means to my life. If you've read any of the This is Why entries or Not (So) Afraid, you've seen how fear can paralyze me, especially in high pressure moments. Even as I write this, my mind forces me to consider what I share, how much I share, and if anyone will even read it. It's an ongoing inner battle, one that leads me further into unfamiliar territory, both physically and mentally as I tackle my anxiety and insecurity; however, when do my actions cross the fearless threshold into reckless territory? Yehuda Berg shares in The 72 Names of God that "Life is not about coping with fears, it is not about surviving bouts of anxiety or just working our way through panic attacks. Life is about achieving absolute happiness, complete freedom, and true fulfillment" (120). I'm reminded of my heart racing right before I took the leap; I calmed my breath and cleared my mind. This can be difficult to pull off, particularly when I'm bombarded with anxious thoughts, but I recognize now that my exploits as of late have been instigated by my heart and the fear I feel is caused by my lack of faith and trust. When I do gather the courage and trust to take action, whatever it may be, there is no shame or rage; rather, I feel more connected to my inner self. But the question remains: why does being true to oneself produce so much anxiety and fear?
Recently, I saw a Personality Type Test on Facebook that a few friends shared, and I decided to give the 44-question assessment a go. Here is what it revealed:
"Idealistic, imaginative, and passionate, you have a strong sense of your personal values and ideals and you tend to feel ill at ease in situations where you have to compromise these ideals due to external demands. You are very sensitive to the dictates of your own imagination and conscience and by default, you dearly want to give others space to be who they are. Thoughtful and considerate, you most likely find it easy to accept society's eccentrics and misfits without rendering judgment. Open and tolerant, you dislike prejudice and stereotypes and you are sometimes liable to give people the benefit of the doubt in situations where others think that "you should know better." Because of your idealism, you may sometimes neglect to give yourself enough credit for the things you accomplish or to speak up for yourself in relationships and groups. Your challenge in life is to balance authenticity with practicality and find a way to be true to yourself and yet live in harmony with the world around you."
That last sentence is of particular interest since it mirrors the habits of my web (authenticity, vulnerability, selflessness, and balance). My mind, of course, is looking to jump off the threads again, questioning all that I've discovered along this journey and suggesting that none of it makes sense. How can I ever achieve a balance between these incongruent ideals? Yet, that small voice within, which is growing louder each day, points out what's sitting in the center: integrity. If I continue to fearlessly address the harmony of my habits and values by listening to my heart and taking action, I will grow closer to this crowning achievement. Yes, there will be challenges along the way that lead me into uncharted territory or activities that oppose the comfort of my INFP lifestyle, but in those moments, if I can calm my breath and mind, I am capable of achieving absolute happiness, complete freedom, and total fulfillment.
