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There it was. Big. Huge. Massive. I don’t know how old I was, if it was before or after the trip to Robert Crown; regardless, the first (and only) time I saw my father’s penis, it took me by surprise. FREUD!!!!!! Wait, wait! Hear me out. It was a total accident. On occasion, the bathroom doors were left open while in use at our house, and the way the downstairs bathroom, its door and the toilet were positioned, it made a turn around the corner of our family room an eyeful one night. Of course, it’s all relative, right? I mean, I was only a child; my own penis, by comparison, was lacking. And since I had only seen mine by that point, it was a stark comparison. Regardless, it established a precedence: my father was the “man” of the house, and I had to prove myself despite my inferior physicality.

I shared my first experience touching another penis in Sexual Energy and how that launched further exploration. Well, this gave me access to penises of all shapes and sizes. Soft. Hard. Bigger. Smaller. And that doesn’t just mean in person; the internet was full of movies, photos, and even words about penises. More often than not, it was those on the “hung” side that were the most revered, the most coveted. Penis envy. It seemed like just about everyone wanted to get their hands on a big one. Size queen. Well, when you realize you’re not as big as the purported inches that are claimed by others, there is a sense of inadequacy that comes with it. And I phrase it that way on purpose: the percentage of men who lie about their size to seem perfect (myself included) is pretty staggering when compared to reality. And what is that reality?

I want to have the prototypical porn star penis. I want to feel the level of confidence that comes with being well hung. Yes, I’m satisfied with what I was given; I’ve been told nice things. Still, it’s not perfect. For a time, it was a focus of my existence. That’s right…another classic from MATTHEW’s vault: in my early 20’s, I felt so powerless that I bought penis enlargement pills to enhance…well, you know. Unfortunately, to my dismay, I couldn’t swallow the pills. Another fun fact about me: I cannot seem to get a pill down my throat without it getting caught somewhere down the hatch. Didn’t you know that when ordering? It’s hard to reason with a mind that is hell bent on being the best; the exaggerated promises and inflated testimonials listed on the website drove me to buy. Now! Yet, in my failure to swallow these miracle-working pills, my perfect plan to achieve hung status was rendered impotent. I would forever be cursed with averageness.

This is why we can’t have nice things…like penis enlargement pills.

I’m fed up with feeling imperfect, like nothing will ever turn out the way I want. It seems like every time I get some momentum and engage in some serious writing, I hit a snag and am sent back to the starting point to figure out how I might get a few steps further the next time. It’s exhausting, really. And through it all, I read the work of bigger, better names; my insignificance as a writer becomes even more apparent when compared to the literary genius of a Slaughterhouse-Five, or I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, or Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland. My fear of failure penetrates my desire to be perfect, and before you know it: writer’s block. You’d think I’d have it figured out by now. If only there was some pill. Oh wait…

Often, when I experience writer’s block, I like to play a video game that is near and dear to my heart: Top Spin 4 on Xbox 360. A little history: back in the day when I would play video games, I would find my anger reaching new levels whenever I would lose. This game is rigged! I’d tell myself, whatever the game may be, usually adding in one or two loud profanities before throwing a controller across the room or shutting down a system altogether. Yes, I have broken several controllers in my enraged state. Though I have settled down significantly since that time, playing Top Spin again showed me just how much I hate to lose. Whenever I would get close to being defeated, going so far as to play out my opponent’s match point, I would flip off the system and take a few days off to let the sting of almost failing wear off. As a result, my record remained unblemished, yet I became more aware of my tendency to bail out if I knew I wasn’t going to be perfect. This applied to more than just the video games I played. Career moves, relationships, creativity…there was no point in trying if I couldn’t be the best, but as you can imagine, bringing this must-win attitude into every situation of my life was not productive nor was it helping me actually achieve my dreams. That required risk-taking; my perceived inadequacies and fear of imperfection were holding me back. This is going to be hard.

Tear Him Up

Bigger is better, so the story goes. Actually, as the research goes as well according to National Geographic’s Christine Dell’Amore. In her article, “Study Tracks Science of Penis Preference,” she notes that though the relationship between attraction and penis size is not necessarily linear, it was determined that “‘Tall guys with really large penises ended up being most attractive relative to other figures.’” While this study was completed from a woman’s perspective, I’d say, as a gay man, that there is social capital bestowed on gay men who also fit this mold. A man with a large penis is granted an elevated position, much like the King of the Hill reference in Confident from Robert Jensen, author of Getting Off: Pornography and the End of Masculinity: “King of the Hill reveals one essential characteristic of the dominant conception of masculinity: No one is ever safe, and everyone loses something...In a system based on hierarchy, there can be only one person at the top” (27). When applying this to penis size, it is clear why so many men feel the need to lie about their endowment: we are all in competition. For what? According to Dell’Amore’s article, evolutionary psychologist Gordon Gallup, Jr. believes that “[penis evolution] has been shaped by a man's competition with other males to fertilize a woman's egg…Therefore, ’long penises may have also evolved to deposit semen in the deepest and more remote parts of the vagina to promote more effective sperm retention.’”

From Veep, “Data” S04E03 by HBO Entertainment

Geez, I feel like I’m back in Robert Crown again. Of course, this always elicits more discussion of the natural versus unnatural aspects of sexual activity. Interestingly enough, I’ve found that gay men use a lot of terminology related to procreating, typically in the form of dirty talk: breeding, boip*ssy, manc*nt, seeding. We learn at an early age that our penises are meant to fulfill a duty: to conquer, to tear through. Despite our orientation, we seek to carry out this role even if it doesn’t result in a fertilized egg. When Penis Mind takes control, nothing can stop it. Isn’t it strange that the tip of a penis is often called the crown? A king’s dream is to rule, to create the perfect world in their image; how much of this is predicated on and accomplished through a penis? Unfortunately, those who don’t measure up are forced to either submit to those better equipped or take matters into their own hands by building up their stature, salary, physicality, or whatever they feel stands-in for a larger penis in order to compete.

The result? Well, I think history has shown us how this often plays out. The rise and fall of empires; the rise and fall of erections. How many lives have been lost in the hunt to measure up if we strip it down to the basest level? I’ve chronicled quite a bit about how Penis Mind takes control and leads me down some very dark, shameful paths. Perhaps the most striking part is what happened to my emotional state through these experiences: I became an expert at detaching. In my attempt to climb the hill and take control, I pushed down all the emotions that were triggered along the way. That’s the way of the penis, right? Hardened. Unflinching.

Well, let’s consider how this plays out when applied: soon after moving to Oak Park in 2013, my apartment was broken into. The back door was kicked in so the intruders could steal a vacuum cleaner, a carpet steam cleaner, a 6-foot IKEA mirror, an iPad and an iPad keyboard (?) It was a strange mix of things; only the mirror was mine, everything else belonged to my on- and off-again boyfriend/best friend/roommate. He was noticeably shaken by the break-in, especially after realizing the intruders sat on his bed to rifle through his drawers. I was a master detacher, though; I barely registered the break-in emotionally. Rather than talk to him about how the incident made him feel or share my feelings about the matter, I did what seemed to make the most sense at the time: I slept with someone else. Though my partner was better endowed than me, it was clear I was the bigger dick. Are we meant to be flaccid? Erect? Throbbing with tension? Red with fury? When my penis takes charge, it results in more detachment, and when I’m made to feel vulnerable or imperfect, I lash out to ensure I don’t fall further down the hill, away from the top. This only leads to more heartache, so where to go from here?

From South Park, “The Root of Anger” S15E04.

Rip her down

Sometimes I think it would have been easier to be born a woman, to not have the burden of a penis with all of its insecurities, inconsistencies, and imperfections. Women are SO lucky…until I take a closer look at duty and choice. From what I remember of the lessons at Robert Crown, a man’s penis is made to penetrate, a woman’s vagina is meant to be penetrated in order to create life. Even as the receptive partner, the woman is source of enormous strength and power considering the decisions she must make when finding a suitable partner, the accountability she takes on in getting pregnant and giving birth, and the excruciating pain that comes with each stage of the process, both physical and emotional. While Dell’Amore’s article suggests that female choice significantly contributed to penis evolution, the evidence used to make the connection reads differently: “Gallup's research has found that the penis's arrow-like shape is able to scoop rival male semen out of the female's reproductive tract…What's more, studies using models of human genitalia have shown that deeper thrusting displaces more semen from a woman's reproductive tract than shallow thrusting.” Hm…that doesn’t sound quite like “female preference.” It seems like women are being acted upon by penises of all sizes rather than having much choice. But why would men want control over women’s reproductive rights, anyways…? :/

It’s horrifying to listen to the news and hear what atrocities are being committed against women; it’s even more unsettling to think that this has been going on since the realization of our sexual selves. What knowledge did Eve gain after eating the apple from the tree of knowledge of good and evil? Did she see the future subjugation of herself and all womankind by right of a penis? Rape, harassment, sexual violence, sexual abuse…it seems like a woman’s duty/burden has more to do with being subjected to the whims and power grabs of the penis rather than being able to choose what’s right for their vagina. Though voices are being heard through the Me Too Movement, I’ve also heard annoyance, irritation, and disregard for those sharing their stories. Why? I wish I could say for certain. I remember, back in college, a close friend confided in me that she was raped. It was a terrible situation, one that I couldn’t even fathom, but I struggled to muster up the compassion the situation warranted. Though I was shocked and upset by her news, I also remember selfishly thinking of my own struggles. Yes, as a gay man, I suppose that I choose my level of subjugation when it comes to penises; that being on “bottom” is a preference. Still, I wonder, even with our biological differences and the rights/duties/burdens that come with them, how do our experiences submitting to the power of a penis intersect?

You’re a p*ssy. It is so insulting to hear as a man; I can’t imagine how many bar fights have been started with these words. It’s ironic when considering the strength of a vagina; I’ve seen more men bent over grabbing their private parts in pain than women. Penises are pretty fragile in their exposed state, both to physical attacks and social ridicule, which is why I suppose it makes its appearance most often in an aroused, erect state. Hardened. Unflinching. When I’ve been called out in this manner, it’s usually an attack on the emotional vulnerability I’ve expressed. A “p*ssy” makes me appear soft, impotent, and weak, yet when I’m not able to share my deepest fears, hidden insecurities, and perceived imperfections, I grow angry with the world for silencing me. I lose control of my emotions as the rage erupts, leaving my position on the hill vulnerable to other men who are ready to walk over me and make me feel even smaller.

How do women deal with it? How do they handle imperfection? I’ve been watching the Australian Open this past week, and one particular story stood out to me while I was reading updates on ESPN. It was about Victoria Azarenka crying after her first round match; her “break down,” as it was labeled. A little background, Azarenka is a former major champion whose powerful groundstrokes and steely demeanor saw her rise to the top of the game in 2012. However, her perfect image was short-lived. Injuries, relationship issues, pregnancy, and depression saw her fall from the top of the game. Last year, she was unable to compete due to an ongoing custody battle for her son, which restricted her travel and opportunities to do what she loves: play tennis. Since her return, she has struggled to string together wins, to be the perfect player she was before. And when she lost in the first round at the Australian Open this year, she expressed her emotional struggles openly. Now, I realize that it is a reporter’s job to ask the questions and get the story, but what is the overall effect on the audience when they see this negative language associated with emotions? The titular “Teary Azarenka” makes her sound like a blubbering mess; it is as if there is no room for emotion in sport, regardless of the passion the player may have for it. For me specifically, I find myself moving away from the things where I will be viewed as imperfect without the allowance to express myself emotionally if/when I do fail or lose. I withdraw and barricade the emotions within. I grow more afraid of being vulnerable because I’m uncertain what will happen if I let it out. That doesn’t sound like a winning combo either…

You’ll Be Fine

Where does this land me? It’s not wrapping up as perfectly as I had hoped, planned. Am I supposed to be more expressive with my emotions? That doesn’t always work because they wind up overwhelming me, resulting in more writer’s block and inaction. Am I supposed to detach and focus solely on getting to the top of the hill despite my imperfect state? Based on the explosions of anger I experience when I don’t measure up, I’m not sure that’s going to fly either. So here I remain, average, imperfect, and emotionally conflicted. It’ll be fine…you’ve been here for a long time; why bother figuring it out now?

Though I love team sports and the many lessons learned through collaboration, tennis has always fascinated me because of the level of self-belief, determination, focus, accountability, and perseverance that each player must manage within. They are expected to perform at the highest level for nearly an entire year, competing not just with other players but with extreme weather conditions, court surface changes, disruptive crowds, unexpected injuries, extensive traveling, brutal reporters, and growing pressure to build and sustain a personal brand. Though most have an entourage of close friends and family to help them through, the isolated nature of the sport is enough to make even the most seasoned pros “break down” if they don’t measure up. This is compounded when considering the personal turmoil they may be facing off court and whether or not they decide to make these struggles public knowledge. How do they find balance in their drive to the top? How do they overcome so many emotional obstacles? Though the Associated Press may have been harsh in their assessment of Azarenka’s emotional state after her loss, they capture an incredibly powerful moment of vulnerability: “A tournament official gave the 29-year-old Belarusian the option of stopping the news conference, and a member of her management team attempted to shut it down. But Azarenka, excusing herself first, and taking deep breaths, insisted on answering a question. ‘I've been through a lot of things in my life,’ she said, crying again. ‘Sometimes I wonder why I go through them. But I think they're going to make me stronger. I want to believe that, and I'm going to work hard for it. Sometimes I just need a little time and patience, and a little support.’” Wow…that’s a lot more telling than “I’ll be fine” and a lot more courageous than just bailing out.

Size may matter, but I think we as a society are focused too much on looking at the outside and using that to measure the being within. Whether it is penis size, tennis records, follower count, whatever the case may be, there is a lack of attention paid to the being underneath the perceived external perfection. We are expected to be silent in our emotional processing and loud with the demands we place on ourselves and the world around us, at least if we want to get ahead. However, we are set up for failure—to always fall short—when considering that “Under almost every explanation of emotions is the premise that they're a naturally-occurring response to a situation…It would appear that the function of an emotion is to get our attention and demand a response,” as Josh Clark asserts in his article “What Are Emotions, and Why Do We Have Them?” Our emotions have a way of catching up to us, regardless of how “fine” we say we are. They have the ability to eat away at our self-belief, determination, focus, accountability, and perseverance if they go unmanaged.

So what is the best way to deal with all this societal pressure to be bigger, better? To balance the emotions that come naturally? I haven’t found the perfect, catch-all answer, unfortunately. We each experience things so differently based on our past experiences, future uncertainty, and present lifestyles; still, we all have the capacity to reach deep within and answer our most debilitating questions, the ones that make us cower in fear or lash out in anger. As Clark discusses, “Over time, research has also separated other emotions that most in the scientific community believe are only experienced by humans and some other primates. These higher or moral emotions are based on self-awareness, self-consciousness and ability to empathize with others…[Moral emotions] diverge from basic emotions in that they tend to emerge after self-reflection, and they support the theory that emotions are results of judgments, rather than simply involuntary reactions to a stimulus.” When I recognize how I’m unfairly judging myself and others through self-reflection, I’m not as dominated by my emotions nor do I feel the need to suppress any emotions socially. I accept myself as an imperfect being who exists to share my emotional capacity creatively; this both heals me from any lingering past traumas and helps me better understand the universal, collective nature of our souls. Life doesn’t seem like such a burden anymore because it isn’t being ruled by a dick. Now, I’m stronger.

Credit: Britney Spears