Like a Brand New Car...
"I can't believe your car made it the entire way." Since my return, I've heard it countless times from friends and family, and honestly, I'm as surprised as them. While my 2003 Jeep Grand Cherokee had some trouble with slow leaks in a couple tires and the transmission while traveling across the country, it served as my sanctuary when the outdoor conditions seemed bleak. My parents have suggested, on several occasions, that it might be time to consider something new; after all, it is getting up there in car years (and miles). I, on the other hand, have yet to unpack it. Yes, over 2 months have passed by and the Jeep is still filled with camping equipment, books, hygiene supplies, and other non-essentials. It took me nearly a month just to clear the passenger seat area of the gallon bags filled with kitty litter (my apologies to those who traveled with me). It's as if the car is ready to just drive off into the sunset again...
Hold up. Didn't I make the decision to come back earlier than I originally projected because I felt ready to challenge myself and my newly spun web? Wasn't I prepared to begin fulfilling my destiny and not let my ego, who revealed its monstrous form, dictate and brainwash me into being fearful of expressing my authentic self? If you've read the previous This is Why... installments, there is a chance you've picked up on an underlying message: fear drives MATTHEW to react negatively in a variety of ways. In Like Bathroom Etiquette..., fear caused me to become indecisive and guarded. In Like Warm Blood..., fear caused me to become selfish and cruel. In Like Smokey the Bear, fear caused me to become angry and vindictive. Now, I stand face to face with my terrifying ego as new challenges confront me at every turn. My soul reminds me that "I am grateful to be fearless in the face of so much adversity and uncertainty" (my new mantra, inspired by Robin Sharma via Who Will Cry When You Die?); yet, the bully that is my ego won't go down without a fight. Thus, I have a choice: fight or flight. And fear has me bolting away into the darkness...
This is why we can't have nice things...like a brand new car.
A sketch of the bully that has been chasing me through my subconscious for decades.
Have you ever had a dream/nightmare where you're being chased by some sinister force? No matter where you run or hide, it always seems to find you and begin the pursuit all over again until you have nowhere left to go. I've been hunted down by quite a few horrific foes, but just recently, it was Chucky from Child's Play that had me running scared through the vast scenery of my unconscious. (Avid readers may remember that Child's Play was the first scary movie I saw, and Chucky's influence certainly steered the grimacing image of my ego.) Flight is part of survival though, right? Had I not flown away from previous relationships, the fighting would have just gotten worse. Had I not flown away from previous employers, I would have felt more animosity and exasperation. Had I not flown away in my Jeep to the Southwest, away from everything I felt uncertainly sure of...what would have happened? I suppose I will never know since I did, in fact, drive off into the sunset to find my soul, but if I was confident in coming back, why does it seem like I'm ready to bolt in the night to escape?
Paulo Coelho helps unpack my thoughts before I veer off course through The Alchemist: "'People are afraid to pursue their most important dreams, because they feel that they don't deserve them, or that they'll be unable to achieve them. We, their hearts, become fearful just thinking of loved ones who go away forever, or of moments that could have been good but weren't, or of treasures that might have been found but were forever hidden in the sands. Because, when these things happen, we suffer terribly'" (134). It was while I was down in Marble Canyon, just outside the Grand Canyon, that I found the courage to confront my ego and the fears it elicited within me. I set out on a hike at dusk, driven forward by Tchaikovsky's The Sleeping Beauty Ballet, which reminded me of the moment in the Disney classic when Prince Phillip and the 3 fairies are entering the final battle with Maleficent. Rather than escaping into the darkness as per my usual behavior, I was facing my long-time foe head-on, and then, there I was, perched up on a rock that towered over the canyon. I wouldn't say it was the wisest decision, given that I had to make my way back down to my tent 1.5 miles away guided by the flashlight on my phone, but it was exhilarating as I had not pushed myself in such a way previously. I felt fearless, inspired, and reawakened. I vowed not to let my ego shove me around anymore, not to be scared to express my truth or compromise my values, but the series of tests were just beginning.
It wasn't until I returned and acclimated back to societal life that I realized how much my modus operandi was to runaway from my problems. Feeling a bit of social anxiety? MATTHEW would hitchhike with alcohol, drugs, or isolation (only kept company by food and TV). How about financial strain or professional uncertainty? All aboard the train heading towards detached sex (on the Use/Abuse track). Identity issues? A one-way, first class ticket to lying, manipulation, and control. As fear took on more hideous forms, so did my runaway responses, but much like the experience with Chucky in my dream state, my hiding was futile. My ego always found and exposed me.
Out in nature, I tested my values of love, compassion, hope, and faith (rather, the universe did) and strengthened my web in order to express my whole truth. This, as I learned, consists of both feminine and masculine ideals and energies. As discussed in Gender Non-Conforming, I previously focused on my masculine exterior only, allowing my ego to determine who I should be perceived as, rather than authentically connecting to the balanced energies that already exist within me. When I came back, I began running away from my feminine energy again and hiding from it, allowing my ego to reclaim some control and terrorize me with claims that you're not masculine enough. I clung to my inner web as the Jeep became my sanctuary for feminine energy since it was the last place along my journey where I felt the most balanced. I've kept it packed up in case I want to bolt away into the night to regain my fearless stance as an authentic whole.
But that wouldn't be fearless, would it? Once again, I find myself trying to run away from something within me that will always follow: that voice telling me you're not good enough...Whether it takes the form of Chucky or someone familiar, I must fight to accomplish the very thing I set out to do when I originally left: accept and love my whole self. This is how I assist others in their soul-searching quests, by fearlessly following my heart and accepting the universe's response. Just writing that sentence has me looking for the keys to the Jeep, but Paulo holds my hand instead, with a reminder to "'Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity" (134). I believe I'm ready to explore my dreams, in fact, I know I am ready because I am grateful to be fearless in the face of so much adversity and uncertainty.
So, what do you think? Are you ready to scale the mountain with me? Should we wear pink or blue?