Who is Preparing for Take Off
It's official. Writer's block has taken hold. As I consider what is stopping the free flow of thoughts taking form through words, I see the major hurdle: my upcoming departure. Yes, my radical life change has been the punchline of a running joke within my head, distracting me from my passion...have you heard that one where MATTHEW thinks he can go off and find the key to his destiny in the wild? It's a laugh riot! Of course, this disbelief creates anxiety and negativity, plunging me further into the dark with my eyes closed. Didn't we determine that wasn't an option if I was going to learn how to embrace the dark?
Bill Plotkin's Nature and the Human Soul answers my call: "Uncovering a soul-rooted identity requires a descent into those dark realms to retrieve the lost pieces. Therein lie key elements of our destiny. Although the shadow cast by the ego contains perverse and socially unacceptable qualities, it also contains traits we would see as too positive to be ours---selfless generosity, perhaps, or eloquence, or creative urges like spontaneous public singing" (282). In honor of Pride Month, here are some secrets from the vault of MATTHEW:
When I was younger, I would sing and dance along to "Bibbity, Bobbity, Boo!" from Cinderella while waving a red plastic spoon around as my wand. I wanted to be as mystical and caring as the Fairy Godmother, I suppose. It didn't bother me at the time who saw me expressing myself that way, I just wanted to turn a pumpkin into a carriage.
When I was in college, I would sing and dance along to "Defying Gravity" from Wicked: The Musical after seeing it with my parents. I imagined having the ability to fly while fighting the status quo. At this point, CHICO had settled in though and I feared judgment from anyone who saw me, so I backed myself into the dark. I wanted to be as brave as Elphaba, but I was too afraid of others seeing my green skin.
As of late, I find myself belting out songs in public settings (though I will quickly glance around to scope out if anyone is in earshot afterwards). Each day, I'm becoming more comfortable embracing this urge, and given my awareness of CHICO and its misplaced suggestions of signing up for voice lessons, I see the path ahead toward fully realizing the authentic individual inside. And most often, that authentic individual is belting out Adele. :)
I'm not saying that my destiny is to participate in a singing competition; I want to understand what "Who" is and how to live that reality freely. Plotkin points out that "an additional goal in shadow work is to get to know our shadow elements intimately---so thoroughly that we uncover at their hearts some of the psychospiritual resources we need for the embodiment of our souls...Often we discover that our negative shadow holds something sacred: our deepest passion" (282-283). It's clear how tied I am now to CHICO since it cannot be ignored or defeated, but how can I fly with the creepy clown doll in the co-pilot seat if it's just going to remind me how monstrous I am at my core? How will that reveal my deepest passion?
Plotkin over the radio: "Before being reclaimed, the negative elements of the shadow appear to the ego as disagreeable and frightening. They show up as scary or unpleasant dreamworld characters and as day world people onto whom we project our own negative traits, such as greed, cowardice, rage, weakness, arrogance, or cruelty...The second phase of your shadow work in the Cocoon is to determinedly cultivate the positive resources uncovered in both your negative and positive shadow projections...you'll find it necessary to adopt the regular practice of identifying and engaging the shadow" (282-283). I DO have to find the joy in that creepy clown doll after all! Does that mean I need to search the dumpsters of Grand Rapids till I find it? I have a feeling that doll is still lurking somewhere, but for now, I have to imagine embracing it as an ally, as Plotkin suggests, to access my passion.
As for you:
How does your shadow reflect you, both positively and negatively?
How do you embrace your negative shadow?
And don't call me Shirley,
Who (?)