Who is a (Proud) Gay Man
It's Pride Month, which means its time to reflect on the passion, love, and integrity we feel as LGBTQ identified individuals and share in our authenticity and contentment with others. Right? As someone who clung to the closet till 29, the words "gay" and "pride" did not often intersect until I recognized it was the voice - CHICO - that was holding me back from living more authentically.
I hid because I was afraid, I was ashamed, and deep down, I believed it was the reason God wanted me dead. That sounds severe, but in reality, it doesn't take much searching to find examples of horrific discrimination and violence being inflicted on LGBTQ-identified individuals today; much of it being done to defend the honor of a higher power.
This existential shame is incredibly damaging since it attacks our core being; we are told we are a glitch in God's system, a fundamental error that needs correction. And it is this shame we must overcome to find true pride. As Alan Downs, Ph.D. states in The Velvet Rage, "Having broken free from the stronghold of shame and the pain of trauma, the gay man begins to build his life---a life of meaning, purpose, and satisfaction. It is the time in life, whether he is twenty-two or seventy-five, that he is truly free to become a unique individual who is able to become his own man, and in the process, find real contentment" (155).
After I started working for Chicago House and Social Service Agency, I had an opportunity to volunteer in the Pride parade, but I did not really know what to expect. I was familiar with Pride's notoriety for skimpy outfits, sculpted bodies, overt sexuality, and a party atmosphere. There were moments leading up to the parade that I considered skipping as my anxiety (CHICO) tried taking control. Though it definitely placed me outside my comfort zone, I took the leap and in the process found my bridge from gay to pride.
Front and Center: The spotlight is not always my friend, at least when shame and/or doubt creep in. Being one of two volunteers representing Chicago House, I was asked to stand front and center on the float. MATTHEW was dressed in his "Yo Bro" outfit (sunglasses, shades, str8-ish summer clothes), so there was a comfortable shell to hide behind, but as the parade moved along and my anxiety subsided, I felt this exhilarating sensation of joy. The penetrating eyes of the crowd saw right through me; they stripped down the shell to reveal the light within. I felt exposed, yet liberated in my vulnerability.
Point of View: This spot provided an ideal viewpoint of the passion, love, and integrity we fight for and struggle against throughout the LGBTQ community and beyond. I think I saw just about everything, but what I remember most was connecting with individuals in the crowd as we rolled past. I would smile or wave, and they would smile and wave back. Simple, I realize, but in a crowd of that size mixed with the chaos of pride, it's easy to get swallowed up in the rush of the activity and feel a bit isolated if you're not the biggest personality in the spotlight. Those connections reached into my soul and embraced it, helping me understand how we share the light and have the ability to uplift each other.
Face Time: Did I mention the other Chicago House volunteer was the new CEO, Scott? Yes, I was going to be standing front and center with the CEO of the organization, essentially my debut after he agreed to hire me. At first, I was guarded and debated whether or not to mask the vulnerability I was feeling. After the rush of the parade, we grabbed a drink near the end of the route and talked about our experiences within the community, past relationship trauma, the acceptance from our families, and several other topics that allowed us both to be vulnerable and authentic.
As suggested by Downs, "Integrity really cuts to the core of the struggle of the gay man, meaning integrate all parts of oneself, or more formally, the state of being undivided. For the gay man, it means the absence of hiding parts of yourself, no longer splitting, and allowing all parts of yourself to be known. Since this is the principal journey of the gay man as he moves from shame to authenticity, the attainment of integrity represents a crowning achievement" (164). I wouldn't say I have perfected my pride yet; this was simply one step in an elaborate series, but I'm curious to hear your experiences with feeling "pride" in your identity.
What tests of identity have you been faced with?
When do you feel the most joy? The most authentic?
How do you integrate all parts of yourself? Do you ever hide a part of yourself?
Be proud of yourselves,
Who (?)